Dear Dr. Synek,

I have a cartoonal diffusion of the left upper hemoidal lympherac. Recently, it has become extremely diffuse and I was wondering if the Zimzoff-Klutsky technique could be used to conveal the diffusions?  Or do you think that simply bathing the affected parts in warm mud would do the trick?

Signed,
Confused

Dear Confused,

There are three advantages to the Zimzoff-Klutsky technique:

1. It is very costly, so it is psychologically rewarding to have it done.

2. There is a good deal of literature available on the technique.  The avid medophile can, after only a few days' research, talk for hours about his or her operation.

3. The scar is impressive and it is at a place on the body that can be shown in mixed company.

Bathing the affected parts in warm mud does conveal the diffusions, but no one would be impressed if you told them about your cure.

I guess it should be fairly clear by now that I strongly recommend the Zimzoff-Klutsky technique over warm mud any day.

Best regards,
Dr. Synek

Dear Dr. Synek,

I recently participated in an experiment with time travel. Several of us went to the year 1974 for a few hours and then came back to the present time. It was very interesting and I had a good time and seemed to suffer no ill effects but… are there dangers involved in time travel? And are there any pills or anything one can take to lessen those dangers? (You don’t have to answer the second question, if the answer to the first one is “no”.)

Signed,
Confused

Dear Confused,

There are several dangers associated with time travel which you should be aware of, not to mention the self-encounter dilemma. I will address the most prominent medical hazard, here.

I hope that the dimensional stabilizer in the time machine you used was a good one. You see, when you move through time the atoms of your body must be continually replaced. If the atoms of one time period happen to interact with those of anther time period, an effect called atomic destabilization occurs and the objects or people involved in this interaction dissolve into another dimension of the time-space continuum. This is what we doctors call fadis nichs (or fading into nothing).

There’s not much you can do about it, if it happens, but a glass of cold guava juice taken when you first notice the symptoms of fadis nichs helps to ease the pain.

Best regards,
Dr. Synek

Dear Dr. Synek,

I don’t have any memory prior to a week ago when I woke up in the office of a respected surgeon who shall remain nameless in this letter. Apparently, he had constructed me from bits and pieces of people’s bodies that had come into his possession. Everything in this constructed body of mine seems to work all right and I feel fine despite having a lot of scar tissue where the parts are joined. But I was wondering… how do I cope with having so many parts?

Signed,
Confused

Dear Confused,

My advice is to give each part of your body its own name. Your right hand could be Bill and your left leg, Frank. This will make each of them feel special and important. Don’t, however, let them go their own separate ways. You could end up being strangled in your sleep by your hand, Fred, because your neck, Chester, got more attention on a date.

Having weekly meetings with your various parts and emphasize to them the importance of being team players. Find something they all enjoy, like eating ice cream or taking a good hot shower and use these treats as rewards for cooperative behavior.

Finally, don’t allow yourself to get frustrated if things don’t work out right away. It takes awhile for the parts of people to learn to get along.

Best regards,
Dr. Synek

Dear Dr. Synek

Once again there is a full moon and my body is changing. The hair all over it is growing at an alarming rate, becoming thick and matted. My teeth have become sharp and pointed and my fingernails have turned to claws. And I smell bad. What can I do?

Signed,
Confused

Dear Confused,

Listen. Being a werewolf (that is what you are implying, right?) isn’t so bad. At least you get to run around outdoors in the free pursuit of happiness. I’ve got a friend who’s a wereponey. Imagine waking up one morning with a saddle on your back, surrounded by nasty little children all shrieking, “Me next! Me Next!” You’d probably just eat them and that would be the end of it. My friend has to take them for rides and let them kick him and pull his hair. I doubt if any children would even want to get near you, let alone ride you or kick you or pull your hair.

There are worse things than being a werewolf. Believe me!

Best regards,
Dr. Synek
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