Dear Dr. Synek,
Two days ago I met three strangers. I think they were offworlders. One of them touched the back of my neck. I was too scared to try and stop him. Where he touched me began to itch and when I returned home and looked at the spot in a mirror, I could see a red triangle there. It was buried in the skin and I couldn’t remove it. Whenever I tried to the pain was agonizing.
That night I had strange dreams that were still vivid in my mind the next day. In them I was at the head of a vast army of invaders, conquering the Earth.
What the heck is going on, anyway?
Signed,
Confused
That night I had strange dreams that were still vivid in my mind the next day. In them I was at the head of a vast army of invaders, conquering the Earth.
What the heck is going on, anyway?
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
The strangers sound like Balnasians, a race of creatures that have nothing better to do with their time than take over other creature’s worlds as a kind of cosmic expression of their intense boredom with life in general.
The Balnasians’ chief instrument of planetary conquest is the nudnangel – the small red triangle you discovered on the back or your neck. In about a week you will become a willing slave of Balnasian desires and quite a nuisance to the rest of us. Fortunately, there is a simple remedy. Mix a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt and two drops of hydrogen peroxide and spread the mixture on the nudnangel three times a day. The nudnangel will dissolve in about five days. It would be a good idea to start the treatments soon.
Best Regards,
Dr. Synek
The Balnasians’ chief instrument of planetary conquest is the nudnangel – the small red triangle you discovered on the back or your neck. In about a week you will become a willing slave of Balnasian desires and quite a nuisance to the rest of us. Fortunately, there is a simple remedy. Mix a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt and two drops of hydrogen peroxide and spread the mixture on the nudnangel three times a day. The nudnangel will dissolve in about five days. It would be a good idea to start the treatments soon.
Best Regards,
Dr. Synek
Dear Dr. Synek,
My significant other (Speduchi is her name) and I are very much in love. A couple of years ago we got married in a genuine Old Earth ceremony. Last year we traveled by space transport to Richtillian to undergo the six week Rite of Spiritual Bonding performed by the High Darmon of Richtillian. This year we went on an underwater expedition and spent four months alone in a nine by five meter capsule. We just can’t seem to get enough of each other, so we’re thinking about being siamized.
Our problem is not whether to get the siamizing. We’ve decided that it’s for us. Our problem is which of the several possible connections to make. We just can’t decide. Help us.
Signed,
Confused
Our problem is not whether to get the siamizing. We’ve decided that it’s for us. Our problem is which of the several possible connections to make. We just can’t decide. Help us.
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
It’s wonderful that young people are so forward thinking, nowadays. In the olden times of the 20th Century medical science used to separate Siamese twins. People connected together physically were considered abnormal. We’ve come a long way since then.
Now down to business. There are basically three ways to be siamized. Front to front is the most obvious. Because you enjoy each other’s company so much, this method will insure that you get plenty of it. You’ll always be face to face and ready to carry on a conversation or whatever.
Being siamized back to back is for those who want to say to the world, “we’re so much in love that we can stand never seeing each other face to face, again.” It’s siamizing for very special people. Like the front to front type it does require some innovative approaches to things like walking and sitting.
The most popular and practical form of siamizing, however, is shoulder to shoulder. It says to those around you that you and your loved one are both headed in the same direction at the same time, for indeed you are. It has the further advantage of allowing each of you a little independent activity and it presents less difficulty doing things like walking and sitting.
In addition to considering where you will be connected, you should also think about whether you will share a vital organ such as a stomach or a kidney or even a heart. A few years ago such sharing was virtually impossible. With new medical advances, however, orgshare has become quite the thing for young moderns.
Good luck to you and Speduchi.
Best regards,
Dr. Synek
Now down to business. There are basically three ways to be siamized. Front to front is the most obvious. Because you enjoy each other’s company so much, this method will insure that you get plenty of it. You’ll always be face to face and ready to carry on a conversation or whatever.
Being siamized back to back is for those who want to say to the world, “we’re so much in love that we can stand never seeing each other face to face, again.” It’s siamizing for very special people. Like the front to front type it does require some innovative approaches to things like walking and sitting.
The most popular and practical form of siamizing, however, is shoulder to shoulder. It says to those around you that you and your loved one are both headed in the same direction at the same time, for indeed you are. It has the further advantage of allowing each of you a little independent activity and it presents less difficulty doing things like walking and sitting.
In addition to considering where you will be connected, you should also think about whether you will share a vital organ such as a stomach or a kidney or even a heart. A few years ago such sharing was virtually impossible. With new medical advances, however, orgshare has become quite the thing for young moderns.
Good luck to you and Speduchi.
Best regards,
Dr. Synek
Dear Sirs,
I strongly protest the inclusion of the so-called “Dr. Synek” advice column in this publication. Half the time I can’t understand what he’s talking about; but I’m sure he’s making fun of me in some way. I think he started writing his column just because he knew it would upset me. I’m sure that most of what he says is designed to infuriate me and ridicule me in front of the whole world. The man is a menace. You should not publish any more of his invidious diatribe.
We, the editors of this publication, showed the Doctor the above correspondence and asked him for his response. This was his reply…
“He’s absolutely right. I am intentionally unintelligible just so he will be enraged by his own lack of understanding. Everything I say is meant to make a fool of him. The people who are foolish enough to read my column will go insane and develop an urge to consume dandelions at some time in the future. The time it takes for a reader to develop these symptoms depends on the number of things that he/she/it feels responsible for and worries about. The more things the reader feels responsible for, the quicker the mental poison will work.
“On with the show!”
We don’t know what the Doctor is talking about, of course; but we’re sure that somebody will be very upset by it.
Dear Dr. Synek,
I recently discovered that your excellent advice column is no longer carried by my local news media. I understand that they were upset by some of the things you said in your column. One official called you, “…a fraud of the worst sort.” Fortunately I was able to get your column from another source on my planet, so all is well.
What I want to know is: what do you do when some narrow-minded media mogul cancels you from their outlet?
Singed,
Confused
What I want to know is: what do you do when some narrow-minded media mogul cancels you from their outlet?
Singed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
Here’s the template for my response…
Standard Brush-Off Letter – Used When a Publication Refuses to Carry My Column Anymore (It Happens)
My Address
Their Address
Current Date
Dear Editors,
Since I am unable to continue contributing my excellent advice column to your publication (the folks at another publication have made me an offer I just couldn’t refuse, if you know what I mean), I thought I might send you one of my favorite recipes to show that there are no hard feelings. Here it is…
GOURMET MUD PIE
2 cups of fresh Alabama dirt (Mississippi dirt can be substituted)
1 cup of clear distilled French spring water
Mix well in a Waterford Crystal mixing bowl until all the lumps have disappeared. Pour into a Mankworks pie tin that has been lightly oiled with Manchester vegetable oil. Bake the pie in a preheated oven at 400 degrees for 20 minutes or until mud has a cracked surface. Let it cool and then chill it overnight while a string quartet plays a selection of classical music pieces (make sure they don’t stop for more than ten minutes at a time). Serves eight people or similar creatures.
Best regards,
Dr. Synek
Since I am unable to continue contributing my excellent advice column to your publication (the folks at another publication have made me an offer I just couldn’t refuse, if you know what I mean), I thought I might send you one of my favorite recipes to show that there are no hard feelings. Here it is…
GOURMET MUD PIE
2 cups of fresh Alabama dirt (Mississippi dirt can be substituted)
1 cup of clear distilled French spring water
Mix well in a Waterford Crystal mixing bowl until all the lumps have disappeared. Pour into a Mankworks pie tin that has been lightly oiled with Manchester vegetable oil. Bake the pie in a preheated oven at 400 degrees for 20 minutes or until mud has a cracked surface. Let it cool and then chill it overnight while a string quartet plays a selection of classical music pieces (make sure they don’t stop for more than ten minutes at a time). Serves eight people or similar creatures.
Best regards,
Dr. Synek
Dear Dr. Synek,
I’ve heard about this holiday back on Old Earth that they call Christmas. What the heck was it, anyway?
Signed,
Confused
Signed,
Confused
The True Story of Christmas
By Dr. Synek
Once upon a time in the middle ages there was a German magician called Siegfried Klaus whose chief attributes were that he liked to wear outrageous red and white outfits and that he could make things fly – like reindeer and sleds and things. One day he was out in the woods near his home when he discovered a space-time anomaly that terminated in a place that was very much like the North Pole. He decided that it was the perfect place to set up shop as a freelance philanthropist. He moved his family and his manufacturing equipment there that very day. He tried to seal the anomaly with a magic spell but his magic wasn’t powerful enough for that.
Now Siegfried, who later changed his name to Santa, used as his symbol, the red and white striped candy cane. He put large versions of these items up around the edges of his territory and also as borders around some of the roads he built. Then he settled in to work on his philanthropic manufacturing and distribution project.
Meanwhile, in the nineteenth century, some soldiers who were dressed in their snappy red, black and white uniforms were on their way to a parade (or a war – it was hard to remember, later) when they accidentally stumbled into the space-time anomaly and ended up in Santa’s new kingdom. There wasn’t anything much for a soldier to do there, it being a land of peace and tranquility, so they mostly spent their time standing around the borders of things like the candy canes. But they were happy.
In the Middle East around the time of Julius Caesar or so a bunch of desert folk, including some shepherds, some merchants on camels and a man and his pregnant wife were wandering around in the desert when they too happened across the anomaly a ended up in Santa’s land. The pregnant woman was so shocked at suddenly being transported from the hot sand to the cold snow that she immediately went into labor.
The arrival of the desert folk coincided with Santa’s first planned philanthropic venture. He intended to give everyone in the world some small token to ease their lot in life and to thus inspire the charitable instincts of others. He flew in his sleigh over the shack where the baby was being born and overhearing the name which the proud couple had bestowed upon their first child, decide to name his enterprise after the little tike.
And that’s the true story of Christmas.
Now Siegfried, who later changed his name to Santa, used as his symbol, the red and white striped candy cane. He put large versions of these items up around the edges of his territory and also as borders around some of the roads he built. Then he settled in to work on his philanthropic manufacturing and distribution project.
Meanwhile, in the nineteenth century, some soldiers who were dressed in their snappy red, black and white uniforms were on their way to a parade (or a war – it was hard to remember, later) when they accidentally stumbled into the space-time anomaly and ended up in Santa’s new kingdom. There wasn’t anything much for a soldier to do there, it being a land of peace and tranquility, so they mostly spent their time standing around the borders of things like the candy canes. But they were happy.
In the Middle East around the time of Julius Caesar or so a bunch of desert folk, including some shepherds, some merchants on camels and a man and his pregnant wife were wandering around in the desert when they too happened across the anomaly a ended up in Santa’s land. The pregnant woman was so shocked at suddenly being transported from the hot sand to the cold snow that she immediately went into labor.
The arrival of the desert folk coincided with Santa’s first planned philanthropic venture. He intended to give everyone in the world some small token to ease their lot in life and to thus inspire the charitable instincts of others. He flew in his sleigh over the shack where the baby was being born and overhearing the name which the proud couple had bestowed upon their first child, decide to name his enterprise after the little tike.
And that’s the true story of Christmas.
Dear Dr. Synek,
I am a four year old boy, born on Vagus 5 and currently living on New Earth. In my few years of life I have become increasingly disturbed that most children just don’t take things very seriously. They seem to fritter away their time in idle play and pointless chatter. They don’t take responsibility for their actions and they don’t care to contribute any effort to the welfare of others or even of themselves.
Well, I’m sick of my fellow children and their whole miserable excuse of a lifestyle. I’ve decided to get a job and make something of myself. I believe that fantasy and play have their place in the world; but there’s nothing like the reality of a mind-numbing 9 to 9 job, dealing with intolerant bosses and scheming fellow workers to give a boy a real childhood experience.
What do you think?
Singed,
Not Confused
Well, I’m sick of my fellow children and their whole miserable excuse of a lifestyle. I’ve decided to get a job and make something of myself. I believe that fantasy and play have their place in the world; but there’s nothing like the reality of a mind-numbing 9 to 9 job, dealing with intolerant bosses and scheming fellow workers to give a boy a real childhood experience.
What do you think?
Singed,
Not Confused
Dear Not Confused,
Here, here! I like your attitude and wish there were more children like yourself. I think you’ll go far and I wish you the best of luck!
In fact I’ll do better than that. I’ll even help you have the most rewarding childhood a boy ever had. If you really want an exposure to reality, you can work on my team reading the letters that people send to me. The work is certainly mind-numbing, the hours are from 6:00 am to 9:00 pm (a bonus, I am as intolerant as they come, and the children who currently work for me are the most scheming little vermin in the universe. You’ll love it.
Best regards,
Dr. Synek
P.S. As an added bonus, the salary is so low that you’ll have to live in a sector of Scumton (the city where my headquarters – and hindquarters – are located) that will allow you to fear for your life at home as well as on the job.
In fact I’ll do better than that. I’ll even help you have the most rewarding childhood a boy ever had. If you really want an exposure to reality, you can work on my team reading the letters that people send to me. The work is certainly mind-numbing, the hours are from 6:00 am to 9:00 pm (a bonus, I am as intolerant as they come, and the children who currently work for me are the most scheming little vermin in the universe. You’ll love it.
Best regards,
Dr. Synek
P.S. As an added bonus, the salary is so low that you’ll have to live in a sector of Scumton (the city where my headquarters – and hindquarters – are located) that will allow you to fear for your life at home as well as on the job.
Dear Dr. Synek,
I am a government official and I get a lot of nasty letters about the state of the galactic economy and the current administration’s handling of it and I can tell you that we are not experiencing any sort of catastrophic economic downturn. The economy has never been better and we are in great shape.
Now, we are experiencing some minor problems in a few remote areas; but that’s the extent of any trend that might detract from the generally upward trend that we perceive in what appears to us to be a very healthy economy, overall.
Well, there are some -- but only a few, really -- problems involving trade imbalances and internal shortages affecting most of the planetary systems within our sphere of influence. I stress, however, that each system is experiencing only a few such problems.
Of course, some of the systems are experiencing more than a few problems and one or two systems have suffered complete collapse. Quite a few planetary systems, actually, have quite a lot more problems with their economies than we would like; but the galactic economy as a whole is still largely stable and thriving.
Maybe parts of the galactic economy are not doing so well; but I'm sure that potent remedial steps are being taken or are being planned or considered even as I write this. I'm sure the situation is not as hopeless as it might seem.
My question to you is: if I resign my post as Chief Economic Advisor to the High Council of Learned Leaders, will that be considered in some way as a lack of faith on my part in my political party or its leaders?
Signed,
Confused
P.S. Please just print an answer to my question in your column and please don't print my letter!
Now, we are experiencing some minor problems in a few remote areas; but that’s the extent of any trend that might detract from the generally upward trend that we perceive in what appears to us to be a very healthy economy, overall.
Well, there are some -- but only a few, really -- problems involving trade imbalances and internal shortages affecting most of the planetary systems within our sphere of influence. I stress, however, that each system is experiencing only a few such problems.
Of course, some of the systems are experiencing more than a few problems and one or two systems have suffered complete collapse. Quite a few planetary systems, actually, have quite a lot more problems with their economies than we would like; but the galactic economy as a whole is still largely stable and thriving.
Maybe parts of the galactic economy are not doing so well; but I'm sure that potent remedial steps are being taken or are being planned or considered even as I write this. I'm sure the situation is not as hopeless as it might seem.
My question to you is: if I resign my post as Chief Economic Advisor to the High Council of Learned Leaders, will that be considered in some way as a lack of faith on my part in my political party or its leaders?
Signed,
Confused
P.S. Please just print an answer to my question in your column and please don't print my letter!
Dear Dr. Synek,
When I went to sleep that night long ago I was a person with a person’s body, a person’s mind and a person’s life. When I awoke on what seemed like the next morning but wasn’t, I had become a place with trees and fields, roads and houses and had thousands of people living at me – or on me, I’m not quite sure which.
I had become the town where I was born and the countryside surrounding it. I was the spirit of that place and I was aware of every pebble on every road, each blade of grass in each field and every mind of every person.
Some of the people remembered me and remembered that I had gone off planet some years before. When I tried to tell them that I was back (albeit in a different form), they experienced bad dreams and some went insane. No one seems to perceive my thoughts as I had intended them.
Through experimentation too painful to recount I realized that my abilities to motivate events in this place ware limited. My attempts to do so usually lead to many unintentional consequences. I might, for example, get a dog to move closer to a man so the man could pet it, only to find that the dog would bite the man because it felt it was being manipulated against its will by an outside, hostile force: me.
People and animals never perceived me as a person but as an unexplained impulse within themselves that wanted them to do things that they most often didn’t want to do. I knew, however, that with time and practice that I could gain some control over my environment. Having been a fan of your excellent advice column I resolved to entice someone to write you a letter. It has taken me ten revolutions around our sun to achieve that goal.
Now what am I going to do?
Signed,
Confused
I had become the town where I was born and the countryside surrounding it. I was the spirit of that place and I was aware of every pebble on every road, each blade of grass in each field and every mind of every person.
Some of the people remembered me and remembered that I had gone off planet some years before. When I tried to tell them that I was back (albeit in a different form), they experienced bad dreams and some went insane. No one seems to perceive my thoughts as I had intended them.
Through experimentation too painful to recount I realized that my abilities to motivate events in this place ware limited. My attempts to do so usually lead to many unintentional consequences. I might, for example, get a dog to move closer to a man so the man could pet it, only to find that the dog would bite the man because it felt it was being manipulated against its will by an outside, hostile force: me.
People and animals never perceived me as a person but as an unexplained impulse within themselves that wanted them to do things that they most often didn’t want to do. I knew, however, that with time and practice that I could gain some control over my environment. Having been a fan of your excellent advice column I resolved to entice someone to write you a letter. It has taken me ten revolutions around our sun to achieve that goal.
Now what am I going to do?
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
Long ages ago I believed that I was similarly transformed, but in the opposite direction. I was a place filled with life that was transformed into a person filled with a horror or my surroundings, a place called Scumton. Of course, Scumton wasn’t its real name and I’ve lived in several Scumtons since that one.
As a child I learned that no matter how bad things were I could always make them seem even worse in the minds of my fellow beings. This ability was largely an unintended consequence of my attempts to express myself about my surroundings.
As a youth I discovered that my talent for casting a shadow on the world was a rare one. Most of the people I knew were desperately trying to bathe the world in a glowing light. Some of those who tried to make things seem brighter were rewarded. Most were not. There was a glut of happy talkers around and they were all competing with one another. I, on the other hand, had almost no competition for a product that most people needed: a belief that they were suffering and therefore entitled to the small rewards they got.
At a very young age I started my own advice column that was soon carried be nearly all of the major news/entertainment waves.
But what, you may ask, Mr. Confused, does that have to do with your situation?
Very little, indeed. It does, however, give me a chance to talk myself which I really like to do.
Best regards,
Dr. Synek
As a child I learned that no matter how bad things were I could always make them seem even worse in the minds of my fellow beings. This ability was largely an unintended consequence of my attempts to express myself about my surroundings.
As a youth I discovered that my talent for casting a shadow on the world was a rare one. Most of the people I knew were desperately trying to bathe the world in a glowing light. Some of those who tried to make things seem brighter were rewarded. Most were not. There was a glut of happy talkers around and they were all competing with one another. I, on the other hand, had almost no competition for a product that most people needed: a belief that they were suffering and therefore entitled to the small rewards they got.
At a very young age I started my own advice column that was soon carried be nearly all of the major news/entertainment waves.
But what, you may ask, Mr. Confused, does that have to do with your situation?
Very little, indeed. It does, however, give me a chance to talk myself which I really like to do.
Best regards,
Dr. Synek